Thursday, December 18, 2014

This One Is Actually From My Heart

Shaquisha is the epitome of a bitch. Her scowl, her demeanor, her need for attention. She is one cunt that I just can't stand.

Her flat ass can't sit in the sales office and work? Maybe if she showed an ounce of performance related to her job, someone would respect her. The only thing she excels at is being an "under the desk assistant."
Apparently, she feels she is superior to everyone else and cannot be bothered with day to day tasks. If she isn't getting ass fucked or drinking herself into oblivion, it isn't worth her time.

Shaquisha has this face, sort of like a Jim Hensen puppet. It moves in strange ways and is covered in sun spots from the abuse she puts it through. It's a face that only a mother could love.

The way I see her on the outside is most likely molded by the energy she pushes out from within. She isn't terribly ugly, yet when I look at her I feel the vomit moving up from my stomach to the back of my throat.

Her voice is not off tone or awfully offensive, but to me it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

I just can't stand her.

It's mostly personal. She works for my father and has manipulated her way in as being his pseudo daughter. He shops for her and would stand up for her over me in almost any circumstance.
She did this. This is the work of a genuine conniving tramp.

She has him wrapped around her little finger and strings him along like a pathetic puppet. I think he is so blinded by the reality she created for him, that he can't even find the light to escape that hell.

Everyone around them sees it, although I am the only one that can muster up the strength to say something. When I do, it is seen as a direct attack and is immediately shot down.
I hear people making crude jokes about their inexplicable relationship, and I cannot disagree with them. If him and her want to portray themselves as vile idiots, that is their prerogative. I would rather not be associated with it though.

This bitch has crossed lines that no human being should. I can sit here and talk about her as much as I want (which truly does help), but it is karma that will get her in the end. Someway, somehow, she will learn.



Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Google Searches December 2014

I am six days late at posting my Google search history...so kill me. I almost forgot about it until I saw a post about the 10 Most Popular Google Searches of 2014, that was on MTV.com. The things they listed definitely weren't what I was Googling. This is what MTV listed...

           10. Ukraine

             9. Frozen

               8. Ferguson

               7. ISIS

               6. ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

               5. Flappy Bird

               4. Malaysia Airlines (There were over 200 million searches for "mh370")

               3. Ebola

               2. World Cup

               1. Robin Williams


 And this is what I was Googling just last month...

           10. Jelly Filled Fat People
           
               9. Am I Crazy

               8. Why Taylor Swift Never Shows Her Belly Button

               7. Mormon Underwear

               6. Ham Canyon

               5. Why Are Chinese Women Taking Pictures of Their Armpits

               4. Dewey Skin

               3. Fucked Up Penises Of Internet

               2. What I Don't Know About Vaginas

               1. Thanksgiving Makeup Funny


None of my Google searches in 2014 were included on MTV's list. Either I am an anomaly or everyone is liars. I can't believe I am the only one to use the internet to search for useless information.
   

Monday, December 15, 2014

Creepy Facebook Request

I received a friend request on Facebook, that I am on the fence about accepting or deleting. The person may be the creepiest dork I have ever laid eyes on, but I actually find his page amusing. I am unsure whether or not he really exists, and if he does, I feel sorry for him because he just doesn't understand life. I am pretty sure his page is a joke though. I should probably report him to Facebook either way, because his page cannot be unseen, and it almost scars your eyes.

Most of his pictures are of him (or whomever) masturbating, and photoshopped into public places. He also has a few, full frontal, nudes on his page; which are really disgusting. He describes himself as being 70% of a loser, that is incredibly nervous around women, and still a virgin. He is 29, straight, 5'4", 135 lbs, and is packing a very small peen. He has several Facebook friends, and even attended the same high school as me. His name is...Stanley Bohner.



In one of his posts he confesses his love to one of his female coworkers. He says, "It's true that I have spread some rumors about us but I'm only telling them how I feel about our relationship." So I think it would be safe to say that he is also psychotic.

I don't normally steal pictures off of people's Facebook pages and post them on here, because I don't want to get in trouble for plagiarism...but here it goes. Please enjoy the creepiest loser on Facebook's photos and posts...








I will spare you from the horrible nudes Stanley shared with the internet. 




Friday, December 12, 2014

In Today's News


  • A woman appeared on the Steve Harvey show because she had extreme trust issues. Apparently she signs her boyfriend's penis, with marker, every time he leaves their house. Although, a prostitute probably wouldn't care about this, most women would be deterred by her tactics. 


  • The famous picture of Kim K, breaking the Internet with her huge ass and slippery body, has been artistically recreated. Below you will see the portrait that Uwe Max Jensen painted with his own penis. I can imagine that this talent would get very messy...
Photo from mtv.com


  • McDonald's reported this week that it will be cutting eight menu items this January. The fast food giant's decision was in response to decreased sales over the the past year. The extra value menu will be cut back from 16 items to 11, and it is still unknown what additional items will be unavailable in 2015. 



  • A gun range in Sandy Springs Georgia is offering alternative Christmas pictures with Santa this year. Guests will pose with the jolly fellow while holding their choice of AK-47's, AR-15's, or FN-SCAR-17's. Santa shouldn't be in fear though, because all the guns will be unloaded and only adults over eighteen will be allowed to participate. Imagine when Grandma gets that Christmas card! 


Image from Sandy Springs Gun Club & Range's Facebook page






Monday, December 8, 2014

Boner Blog

Somehow I always find myself reading useless blog posts on the internet (and sometimes writing them.) No matter how stupid the material is, I become captivated by it and actually find it extremely interesting.

Tonight I was reading a blog by Cosmopolitan magazine titled, "13 Things I Wish I Knew About Boners When I Was Younger." I am not sure why I was reading this, or even why Cosmo posted it. The article seemed geared towards men and I never really wished I knew anything it talked about. 

I did find #13 pretty fascinating though...


I never thought about a boner touching the underside of a toilet seat? I really hope this is a rare phenomenon because it is gross. Maybe this article should have been, "Things I Wishd I Never Knew About Boners." 

I have several questions/concerns with this... 

1. Does this happen in public restrooms? If so, that is even more gross than it happening in the privacy of your home because public toilets are nasty!
2. Is this only something that happens to penises over a certain length? 
3. Do men clean it when this happens? (Not the toilet, their penis.)
4. Is there a funny Urban Dictionary term for this? Like Dip Seat? Eww!
5. Why does a guy have a boner when he is sitting down to poop anyways? 

I don't think I will ever think about a boner the same way again. 

Friday, December 5, 2014

Oh Tannenbaum

My husband insisted on getting a fourteen foot Christmas tree this year. We couldn't find one anywhere that was big enough for him, so we ended up just ordering one. (Kurt calls any tree over twelve foot a penis extender.) In the meantime, we decorated our meager seven footer that we set up in the basement.

After waiting for a few days, the lady I placed my order with called and informed me they were walking through the forest looking for a tree to cut down. She said it would be available either that evening or the next day and asked if I wanted it delivered for just $25. I gladly agreed, because that seemed like pocket change compared to having to borrow someone's truck and all the hassle that would have went along with delivering it myself. She mentioned they could also set it up (decorating not included) for another $15. I declined that offer because I knew my husband enjoyed doing that himself. That was a poor decision on my part!

Later that evening, I was on the treadmill and got a phone call from a number I have never seen before. I answered and a man asked what my address was. He didn't say hello, did not identify himself...he just requested my address. Not thinking, I blurted it out all the way down to the zip code.

Quickly I rebutted my stupidity, and said, "Wait, are you the tree people?"

He responded, "Yes. What does your house look like?"

Again I responded and gave a total stranger way too much information.

Suddenly I became fearful and everything else he said became a blur. Even though he asked do you want me to set it up, and, "You do know this is a fourteen footer," I thought this man was out to get me.

I leaped off the treadmill and sped home to make sure my house was in tact. Thankfully, no one was there...just a gigantic tree laying out front.

My husband came home and we attempted to move it, but it proved to be too heavy. I called upon my fellow blogger, Kurt, for assistance.

Thirty minutes later he arrived and looked at the monstrosity of a tree, laying in my front yard, in horror.

My husband picked up the stump and was in front, Kurt got the middle, and I trailed behind with the top of the tree. We hoisted it through the door and up the stairs, struggling the whole time. Almost there, my husband exclaimed, "Push!" At that moment Kurt fell to the ground as the tree swept over his lifeless body. He disappeared as he was enveloped in pine.

Kurt, after we removed the 200 lbs tree from him

We couldn't stop now. The tree still had to be set up. It took several tries and a few shims made of 2x4s to get it kind of straight. It was time to cut the rope (not net like a normal tree, but burlap rope). As it was snipped, the branches began to fall. I watched in horror, terrified they would break out my windows. I didn't expect for the pressure to actually knock one of my track lights off the ceiling. It crashed to the floor and broke.

I may have had a few drinks by this point, so my only reaction was to sit next to the fireplace and cry out, "You are destroying my house!"
I was mocked for saying that the rest of the night.

All in all, the Christmas tree looks great! We created new holiday memories, and even though my husband promised that we can stick with a twelve foot tree in the future, I have a feeling we will be reliving this experience again.


We are missing a track light in this picture.
You can also see that my tree is being supported by a noose tied from the beam.