Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Gym Problems

Here is a quick rant...

I am on the treadmill right now at LA Fitness. After cooking and cleaning, I mustered up just enough energy to do this and this fucking dickhead next to me is really pissing me off. 

He is listening to this awful headbanging music on his cellphone with no headphones! Who does that?

I am bitchy right now because of all the holiday stress. I don't know if I should loudly ask Siri to text Jnoww that, "the fucking piece of shit asshole next to me is listening to some shitty ass music."  Or instead, maybe I should just play my own music out loud. 

In the meantime I will just continue to give him dirty looks! 

Happy Thanksgiving


I host Thanksgiving at my house every year for between twenty and forty people. That is a tremendous amount of work. I have been working on my 'in-depth' cleaning for the past few weeks. That is the cleaning my husband just doesn't understand (i.e. wiping off baseboards, cleaning the kickboards under my kitchen cabinets, etc.) I still have so much to do!

This Thanksgiving I can be thankful for the snow, because I think I will be leaving work early and will have some extra time to prepare. Tonight I need to clean the bathrooms, vacuum the whole house, bake a cake, peel potatoes, and prep the stuffing. I also plan to indulge in a few glasses of wine while I am at it!   
With all the stress, I am not feeling overly creative today. That is why I decided to steal some content from the internet to share with you...





pinterest.com







someecards.com







http://funny-pictures.funmunch.com/







http://funny-pictures.funmunch.com/







http://lifeaftercollegelvt.blogspot.com/







dumpaday.com








AND FINALLY IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS...
gopixpic.com






Monday, November 24, 2014

Gifts You Will Probably NOT Be Getting For Christmas 2014


FOR THE BEAUTY JUNKIE

Christian Louboutin 'Rouge Louboutin - Starlight'  $675
Photo courtesy of Nordstrom.com

Christian Louboutin's shoes have, and always will be, expensive. The brand has now added outrageously pricey nail lacquers to it's high end repertoire.

You can paint your fingers to match the soles of your shoes with Louboutin's $50 polish, but why? It's not as much fun as battling with the 1,500 two tone Strass crystals glued to this $675 bottle.

And what happens when you run out of polish? Do you chuck the container or hoard the empty packaging?

Oh... did I mention it is gluten free?






FOR THOSE WITH DRUG SEEKING BEHAVIOR

Lalique Ocean Crystal Candle $1330
NeimanMarcus.com

Thankfully it ships for free, because someone who can afford and $1330 candle can't afford five dollars of shipping and handling.

The Ocean scent is supposed to mimic undersea fountains and will bring you euphoria. Sounds like something that is only legal in Utah!

It would be highly disappointing to unwrap my presents and find this as my main gift; unless it does truly bring me euphoria.






FOR THE UNDERWATER ADVENTURER

The Submarine Sports Car     $2 million
Hammacher.com
No, this is not a really bad picture... it is actually a submarine sports car. This would be really cool if you had someone willing to spend two million dollars on you

Just in case you are in a high speed underwater car chase, this James Bond inspired vehicle can reach speeds of up to 75 mph. Hopefully your chase ends soon though because the two built in scuba tanks only provide oxygen for one hour.

Don't worry, because this is a zero-emission vehicle.






FOR THE KID THAT HAS IT ALL

D. Throne Electric Car   $5995
BergdorfGoodman.com

For that special child in your life; the D. Throne Electric Car.

Made of oak, aluminum and high end Italian leather. This is the gift on every kid under 285 lbs's wish list. For just $5995, it is surprisingly still in stock. 

Imagine seeing your little one speeding along your cobblestone driveway in this unique automobile. Not just that, but it would be the perfect accessory in front of your tree with a giant red bow.






FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER OR REALLY OLD AUNT

iLuminage Skin Smoothing Laser $595
NeimanMarcus.com

What comes to mind when first looking at this picture?

Well thankfully it is not what you think.

Nemian Marcus claims, "The Skin Smoothing Laser™ delivers pulses of laser light below the surface of the skin, where wrinkles form. This technology is known to trigger the body's natural response to generate new collagen fibers. Skin's support structure is reinforced from within—significantly reducing wrinkles."

When did this luxury retailer start selling snake oil?

Although FDA approved, I think my $595 would be better spent on Botox rather than on some dildo to wave across my face.






FOR THAT SEXY SOMEONE


Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio in this years $2 million fantasy bras
Photo courtesy of nydailynews.com

Every year I get excited to see Victoria's Secret's fantasy bra. I don't really know why because I could never afford it, and even if I could, it always looks so uncomfortable.

Technically, this year it is more like lingerie sets than bras. They won't be officially debuted until the December 9th Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in NYC, but I found a sneak peek.

I couldn't imagine wearing this getup under my clothes, or to bed with my husband.

These $2 million bras are adorned with diamonds, sapphires, and over 16,000 rubies.






ANOTHER GIFT FOR AN OLD WOMAN


Leontine Linens Home Trousseau $55,000
NeimanMarcus.com

This year's Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog was all together disappointing, but sheets? Come on!

If you decide to drop $55,000 on this gift, you will receive "several" phone calls to discuss sheets... yawn!

Once you work out all the details you will receive linens for your master bedroom, queen child's room, twin child's room, queen guest room, master bathroom, queen child's bath, twin children's bath, guest bath, dining room, and powder room. This package also includes twelve cocktail napkins.

In case that didn't sell you, you will be sent a signed copy of the hardcover book, Linens for Every Room and Occasion, and "all items arrive laundered, pressed, and ready for use."






FOR THE CONFIRMED ALCOHOLIC


Tequila Ley  $3,500,000
Ley925.com

You would have to be a serious connoisseur to be able to appreciate a 3.5 million dollar bottle of tequila.

Not a big seller, actually no one has purchased this yet. Which makes this even more special.

Adorned with 6,400 diamonds, you can't go wrong.

This is the perfect gift for someone trying to stock their home bar.




































FOR HER

1993 Hermes Estimate: HK$ 150,000-200,000
Christies.com

Today, on November 24th, you can bid on a collection of fine handbags and accessories that every woman needs in her life. The perfect gift to say, "I love you," other than diamonds and jewels; but Elizabeth Taylors jewelry auction already happened.

All the auction prices are in Hong Kong dollars, so the Hermes bag pictured above for HK$ 150,000 is only 19,338.12 in US dollars. Pocket change for a high end purse. Be sure to buy more than just one of the fine Bottega Veneta, Chanel, Hermes, and Louis Vuitton creations available at Christies.

Couldn't make it to Hong Kong? Don't worry. Starting on November 25th and ending on December 4th, handbags & accessories will be available at Christies online auction.






FOR HIM
Photo courtesy of CNBC.com
We saved the best for last.

This is the gift that will set him apart. 
Just wait to see his face when you unveil this 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO. 
At $34.65 million, and with only thirty-six ever made, he will surely be the only one of his friends to have one.

The most collectible and desired Ferrari available, you won't be able to top this gift in the coming years. 


Thursday, November 20, 2014

What Your Mom Never Told You About Bitches

1. They are everywhere: Everywhere you go, every direction you look... there is a bitch. Young and old, all shapes and sizes... they cannot be avoided. You would think they would go away after high school, but people do not grow up. Instead they just grow bitchier.

2. She will occupy a lot of time in your life: More time than the bitch is worth. You will go home after school, work, or where ever and contemplate how much you hate this person. You will relive conversations with the bitch over and over again in your mind and kick yourself for not saying something really nasty to her.

3. They are not always women: But for ease we will just describe them as females in this post. Gay men can be just as, or even more, bitchy than any woman.

4. The Bitchy Resting Face will give her terrible wrinkles: Instead of happy laugh lines, she will be stricken with the dreaded elevens. Unless she succumbs to Botox (which she probably will because that is what bitches do), those indentions will be so deep she will be able to hide paper clips in them.

5. She will always be better than you: Maybe not literally, but you will be convinced of it.

6. Your man will never understand: He will just think you are an overreacting jealous bitch. The more you bad mouth her to him, the more you make her look like the victim.

7. Actually, the only people that will understand are your mom and your best friend: They are the only people on your side. Everyone else sees her as an angel and thinks you are crazy. You will spend countless hours talking to your mom and bf about your hate towards her and they will try to advise you on how to deal with her.

8. There is no way to deal with her: It's impossible to ignore her and she will always have the upper hand.

9. You might just think she is a bitch because she is prettier than you: ... or skinnier, or more popular, more successful, or all of the above. Sometimes she might actually be the nicest person in the world, but the only way you can cope with her superiority is to categorize her as a bitch. This is not always true. Sometimes the person you think is bitchy is an old fat woman. In that case, jealousy is not the reason.

10. Once she goes away, someone else will take her place: She may move, or quit her job, and you think you are finally in the clear. As soon as you feel relaxed, your bitch radar will pickup on someone new and it starts all over again. Kind of like when Michael Myers wakes up at the end of the Halloween movies. It is never over.

11. She is going through the same thing as you: There is someone out there that she is envious of. She is calling her best friend and mom to talk about that person she calls a bitch. It happens to the best of us. It's just life.

12. She will make you stronger: The strong emotions you harbor against her will just make you more capable of dealing with the next bitch you run in to. After about your third bitch, you will be able to handle your emotions better. Eventually, you will get past the point of caring and will be able to just brush those bitches off.


I can speak first hand of this topic because I am a certified bitch, 'elevens' and all. Please post your comments of things your mother never told you about bitches below...

Monday, November 17, 2014

16 Things You Don't Know About Me

Last year Facebook had a challenge where one of your friends would give you a number and you had to list that many things about yourself that no one knew. Usually social media challenges suck and I don't participate even if nominated (i.e. Ice Bucket Challenge). This one was different because I love talking about myself!
I forgot all about it until it popped up on my Timehop app this morning. When I saw it, I knew I had to share. So here it is, sixteen things most people probably don't know about me...

1. Summer is my favorite season
2. St. Martin feels like my second home
3. I like to let my hair air dry because I am afraid if I style it too much it will look old before too long
4. I married the man of my dreams and best friend this year (in 2013)
5. If company is coming to my house the first thing I do is clean the toilets
6. I don't have a favorite color because I love all colors and can't choose just one
7. I hate when people call me Kathy
8. I am terrified of aging... and the idea of childbirth
9. My favorite number is nine
10. My cat's name is Haus and I spoil her rotten
11. Instead of giving my children the childhood I never had, I hope when I have children that I can give them the childhood that I did have
12. I love to gossip and shop
13. I think I have Misophonia, my husband just thinks I'm a hypochondriac
14. Sometimes I think coffee smells like cat pee
15. I love everything about myself except my singing voice
16. I can be annoyingly persistent and I do it happily


Now I challenge you to name 3 things no one knows about you in the comments...

Friday, November 14, 2014

I Feel Sick, Homeless People, & Budweisers To-Go

I hate being sick. Every time I get sick I wish it was another ailment that I had come down with. If I have a cold I say, "Wow, diarrhea would be so much better." If I have the stomach flu, I dream of trading it for the sniffles. I guess you just have to take the hand you are dealt and ride it out.

Right now I have a bad cold that I just can't seem to kick. That is why we haven't had any new blogs lately. Blowing your nose every five minutes really doesn't make you feel funny, or anything for that matter, except miserable. You would have had more posts but my co-bloggers, Kurt & Jnoww, suck at producing content on a regular basis (sorry guys but it is true).

The day I first came down with my cold I had lunch with Jnoww. I wasn't feeling too bad yet and thought it may pass. We met at a local bar and thankfully no one was there because I already looked horrible. I only had mascara on and my skin had no color.
As I waited for her, a dorky red head came in and sat down the bar from me. He pulled out his phone and talked the rest of the time I was there.
Another red head, even dorkier than the first, came in and sat down at the bar.

The clientele at this bar made me want to get up and leave, but I waited and Jnoww finally arrived.

We talked a little about our blog. She couldn't believe my post on my Google search topics. As we caught up with each other and placed our orders, a third and final patron entered the bar.

This man appeared to be homeless. He sat down catercorner to me at the "L" shaped bar and ordered a Budweiser bottle for there. I was shocked by his request because I didn't know you could order beer to go in Pennsylvania. I inspected the man's face and saw a lesion across his jawline. Immediately I feared this man had aids and thought about leaving again, but it was too late. We had already ordered.

Our food came and went and my curiosity had me infatuated with this odd man's behavior, like an accident on the interstate. I am sure I was staring but for some reason didn't really care.
He ordered a second Budweiser and asked the bartender how much it cost. Carefully he reached into the grocery bag he was using as a wallet and pulled out about five dollars. He laid the bills out flat until he had the four dollars he needed for his beer and put the other dollar back into his plastic pocketbook.

I wandered to myself if alcohol was what got this guy into this situation. Than I wandered in horror if he might throw up. I don't know why that came to my mind, that is just what I thought a homeless man might do.

The man tried to make small talk and asked the bartender if Rite-Aid would be open and rudely the bartender said he didn't see why it wouldn't be. The homeless man said, "It's a holiday." The bartender responded, "Not that kind of holiday."

It was Veterans day. Any sane person would know that Rite Aid was open, which made me further wander what was wrong with this man.

He said, "I have another question. Are you open for Thanksgiving."

The bartender said, "No."

That was the last I heard the homeless man speak.

I was saddened by the idea that this man had no place to go for the holiday, but also thought that he may have just wanted to go their for his Thanksgiving Budweiser.


Monday, November 10, 2014

Google Search History

It has been one month since our blog went live! During that month, I have been researching topics I never even knew existed. Most of the time I am doing this from my work computer, and I cannot fathom what a tech person would think if they looked at my search history. I thought it would be fun to share, and I will try to post an updated search history for you monthly. So here it is...



My Most Interesting Google Searches Last Month

  • Ugly clothing men wear
  • Small peen
  • Cabbage in vagina
  • Hate naval base strippers
  • Military stripper
  • Fart scented air freshener
  • Weird things found in beards
  • Weird penis games
  • Is it ok to eat roadkill
  • Bury joseph to sell your house
  • Blue waffles
  • My husband gets pimples when I get my period
  • Snuggy sex
  • Anti rape spike strip
  • Turtleing penis

Photo from http://funny-pictures.picphotos.net/

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Penis Size, "Friendly Dating", Attack of the Small Penis!

If a guy tells you the biggest sex organ is the brain. Run! His biggest sex organ is his brain. Who wants to get brain fucked anyway?
Men talking about their penis size (esp. on line!) are no different than the frustrated fisherman. They are all telling the "and it was this big..." story. 
Not a size queen or anything myself but I was once set up with a man for a wedding date. Stated from beginning to end that we were friends only. No sex! Seriously! 
I mean I am a man after all and even after consuming about 25 Capt. & Cokes in a 4 hour period I was still saying just friends. Proof positive there was absolutely no interest...
Well we shared the room I had reserved and went to sleep. In no time there was what felt like a finger touching my leg under the sheets. Seriously I thought it was a finger. But no, I couldn't be that lucky. So I reached around and grabbed it. Good God it was a pinky sized dick attached to two cordial cherries! 
I felt as though I had come under attack from an adolescent wielding his boy weenus at me. I quickly grabbed every pillow and blanket and sharp object in the room and  barrackated myself from the little dick onslaught. 
So - no more "just friends" dates unless you meet somewhere driving separately  or can drop their ass off at home immediately afterwards.  
And for sex sake make sure they have at least an "average size" penis before you share a room with anyone. Or make sure you have 2 queen beds instead of the big beautiful king size bed. Just sayin'! 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Why We Hate Shaquisha and You Should Too...

1. She is a former stripper - A military base stripper at that.

2. She is a drama queen - Everything that happens to her leads to an over-exaggerated story. One minute her ex husband is coming to kill her, the next minute she is the one stalking him on Facebook.

3. She is a hypochondriac - This goes along the lines with being a drama queen. I recall her getting poison ivy last summer and when the first tiny blister popped up, she insisted she had skin cancer. Since then, she was convinced she has at least four other types of cancer.

4. She is unoriginal - This bitch will go out two days after you and get the same haircut. She is that obvious about it. Her style has completely changed to mimic mine, although we all no she cannot be me.

5. She is a thunder stealer - Two years ago in April, my husband proposed to me. In less than a month she forced her husband to propose to her. To top it off, she made sure her wedding date came before mine (I guess so it looked like I was the one copying). She even posted a picture on Facebook of her visiting the place I bought my dress and trying on my sash.

6. She is a liar - She has told me for the past several years how her husband and her are going on a Caribbean vacation or a cruise. The bitch doesn't even have a passport, so I know it's not happening. She makes up stories about other people's lives too. Once she had everyone convinced that someone we all knew was cheating on their spouse. We later found out it wasn't true.

7. Her sex life sucks and she tells everyone about it - She even admitted that the first time her husband and her had 'sober-sex' it was awful. One time she told me her vagina looks like turkey deli meat, and that may have something to do with her husband's lack of sex drive. Apparently, he only wants to have anal sex with her or have her lick his butt hole (I can't imagine that breath...Gag!).

8. She is an alcoholic - Her family, even her husband, has got on her case about this.

9. She steals money from the government - She waited to change her name after getting married till she got her last benefit check from the government. Although her husband sat at home all day living off the G.I. bill, the government was paying to put her son in daycare. I don't think people that are receiving any help from the government should own four high definition televisions, all over 60".

10. She sucks at her job - Literally!




Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I Hate This Woman

Last night, this woman I hate was in my class at the gym. She is just one of those people that, when I look at her, I know deep down I just don't like her. He frizzy hair, her overly worn clothes, her bulbous nose, and her frumpy figure are nothing to be jealous of. This dislike does not spawn from envy.

The only thing this woman has ever done to me is take my spot in class. I always have the same spot. Then she started to take it! That didn't last long because I started coming to class early to set my stuff up and mark my territory. She caught on and started to come early too, and it was almost like we were in a pissing contest. Now I am at class at least a half an hour before it starts, and I finally feel like I won.

She is always the person to yell out what muscle group we are working when the instructor asks. This just screams 'one-upper!'

Another time she got under my skin was when we had a different instructor substituting. This woman made such a big deal about, "Oh I get such a better workout from [regular instructor's name here]. This other teacher doesn't know what she is doing. Blah, blah, blah."
I am not joking, ten minutes into that class, she created a scene and we all had to stop what we were doing because she couldn't breathe. Apparently, she wasn't as tough as she thought.

I was trying to explain this hate to my friends (yes I do have friends) in this class last night. Jnoww spoke up for me and said, "that is just how Kate is." I guess the people that know me well, understand that I choose to hate people for no reason.

#hate