Thursday, October 30, 2014

My Thoughts on Roadkill

I drove past a dead cat on the side of the road two days ago and the thought still affects me. Today when I drove past that same area I thought about how different types of dead animals make me feel. Here is a compilation of various species of roadkill (aka "flat meats") I have encountered. I gave them each an impact score from 1 to 10. One had the least impact on me and ten had the highest.

FunnySigns.net

1. Cats- I love cats so to see one dead on the road is heartbreaking. Sometimes I wander if people hit them on purpose because they dislike them. Impact score: 8

2. Dogs- I also love dogs. Dogs unlike cats are definitely someone's pet. Could you imagine your dog getting out, then driving by it smashed on the street? I can't imagine that feeling. Impact score: 10

3. Deer- Dead deer are so prevalent in Pennsylvania that I barely think twice when I see one. I actually worry more about the person's car that hit one. Impact score: 1

4. Humans- Not technically hit by a car but laying on the side of the road. It was an older man and his legs were still in his car but his body was out on the pavement. I think he may have had a heart attack. I called the police as I drove past and talked about it the rest of the day. Impact score: 10

5. Mice- I hate mice whether they are alive or dead. This is not an animal I would see from my car but I have seen while walking. Typically I scream and run to the other side of the street as if it was alive. Impact score: 8

6. Rats- A rat is like a mouse on steroids. Impact score: 9

7. Skunks- This animal does not affect me emotionally. The smell is what gives this animal any score at all. Impact score:3

8. Possums- Their tails bother me. Just the sight of this animal gives me the heebie jeebies. Possums must be the ugliest species on earth. Impact score: 6

9. Squirrels- I like squirrels and always swerve when they run out onto the road (which is very dangerous). Just like cats, I think some people intentionally kill them. I think I cried once when I ran over a squirrel. Impact score: 5 

10. Iguanas- I actually saw one of these get hit by a jeep in St. Martin. My husband and I were driving on a back road and a four foot iguana walked out in front of us. I got my camera out and as soon as I started to take pictures, a jeep came speeding by.  It was horrifying. I hate iguanas, but seeing it get decapitated and jumping around in pain was disgusting. Impact score: 8, due to the circumstance

11. Birds- Dead birds don't bother me unless it is a duck or something like that, which I have never seen as roadkill. Impact score: 1

12. Rabbits- Rabbits are cute but stupid. Earlier this spring, I swear one of my neighborhood bunnies was suicidal. Every time I drove past he would jump out in front of my car. Eventually, someone did hit him and I didn't feel to bad. Impact score: 4


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Meet Shaquisha

Its tough to hate fake bitches with a passion like I do. Especially when you work with one or can't avoid seeing one everyday!

Just the look of this one bitch's face makes me want to scratch her eyes out. I know she talks shit about me so I won't hesitate to reciprocate the favor.

We were friends when we first met but then she started copying me. Like psycho copying me!
I got my bangs cut and a week later she got hers cut. She dresses the same as me, and even tries to hang out with my friends. Going to the gym is a big part of my life, so she made it a part of her life.

I am actually convinced that she is a lesbian (although she is married), and that she is in love with me. She seems to be infatuated with everything I do.

My husband always tells me that mockery is the highest form of flattery. I think it is the highest form of psychotic.

For the purpose of this blog, I will name this crazy bitch Shaquisha, and try to give you an update on her weekly. My fellow blog authors know who this person is, and you may occasionally see them blog about her too!


Monday, October 27, 2014

Online Dating Story - It's Pat!

Well woke up the other morning to a "like" on Match.com. So I go in and look at the person that apparently likes me. I think to myself - it's a she, no it's a him - maybe it's a shim! What appeared to be a like from a woman originally had turned out to be from a man upon closer inspection of "his" profile. 
So androgynous I was baffled.
 It looked kind of like John Denver (RIP) when he would let his hair grow and then do the bowl cut doo. 
I was so quickly brought back to the SNL skits about "Pat". 
Needless to say, I really don't want any likes from a person whose genus I cannot even decipher. Just sayin!

Who Would Wear This?

My office gets so many catalogs in the mail, and I feel it is part of my job to look through them. This one catalog really pissed me off. Why would anyone put these awful clothes on the market? This company is encouraging people to be dorky, and making money off of it.

The company is called Castaway Clothing, and their products are terribly ugly. No one should buy anything from here unless they are going to an ugly pants Christmas party!

Photo courtesy of Castawayclothing.com
Castawayclothing.com








Guys, you will NOT get laid wearing these pants!

Their women's clothing aren't any better. If you see a couple that looks like this, run...

Castawayclothing.com

They are likely to be extremely boring and probably have a weird sexual fetish you don't even know about (like snuggie sex, or dressing up like unicorns in the bedroom)!



Photo from snuggiesutra.com. 




Saturday, October 25, 2014

Dirty mouths

Can I just take a moment to rant about how much I hate the fact that guys feel like they are entitled to jam their tongue down your throat because they bought you one beer? You go in for a polite hug after a date and suddenly you're being molested and someone else's tongue has taken over your mouth. I'm going to start biting... And not in the good, sexual way. Back the fuck off and see if the girl likes you before you give your tongue the workout of a lifetime boys. Ugh, seriously, I'm having to gargle with bleach too much lately (joking... But I feel like I need some strong disinfectant to deal with these crazy tongues).

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Caption This Picture...

Photo courtesy of The Lalas, Burlesque!

Rant: Dirty Public Restrooms

My husband drug me unwillingly to a local festival last weekend and I was disgusted by the bathroom situation. There were clusters of porta-potties everywhere but that wasn't good enough for me. I couldn't muster the strength to enter one of these shit holes (literally).

We finally found a real bathroom. It was made of concrete blocks and had the typical 20 ft line of women emerging out of the entrance door. My husband waited with me until a lady walked by and informed us that there was no toilet paper in the stalls. Drew went to the men's room and came out with a full roll. I didn't have the heart to tell him I would have just done without. Not knowing what to do, I ripped a piece off and passed the roll on to the women behind me.

After 15 minutes, I finally made it to the door but still had about six people in front of me. I looked in as a girl started yelling that one of the toilets was overflowing. She began dry heaving into her coat and I was out of there!

I will never go back to that event due to the bathroom situation.

I don't understand why the festival wouldn't have hired bathroom attendants? We have them at our local fair, which has way more people, and the bathrooms are more than acceptable.

Unless I am completely inebriated, I can not handle these situations.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Cock Block 6000

I have so much fun researching new things to blog about! This topic made me laugh and I might have vomited in my mouth a little too.

It seems that all of my friends are dating online and today one of them told me about this new guy they are talking too. The guy looks normal in his pictures but he has a weird kinkiness to him. He wants to put his cock in a modern day chastity belt. I didn't really know much about this so I googled it and was horrified to say the least. 

The model my friend's new guy prefers is silicone and gets locked with an actual padlock. It can be found on the cb-x.com website. I don't know how big his manhood is so I am not sure of the exact model number. These things are about $150 and you can get them in clear, camouflage, or even woodgrain. Another popular model from a different manufacturer is "The Grinder."

Photo from cb-x.com
I was concerned about the safety of these devices, especially when I read that some men wear them for extended periods of time. One man wore his for nine years! The only time they are let free is when their keeper releases them.

This particular model has a small hole to pee out of but according to some online reviews it is very messy. It splatters everywhere and some even gets trapped in this device. The mixture of urine and dick sweat will eventually condensate and the cb6000 turns into a terrarium. What if it grows mold (I am allergic to mold)? I don't think it would be sexy for the keeper to unleash all that nastiness.

Other bad consequences are ball chaffing, erectile dysfunction, infertility, and decreased penis size. Your dick can actually become inverted which is known as 'turtling.' If I was your penis I would want to go into hiding too.

Some men go as far as putting spikes in their chastity belts that jab into their penis if they do get hard.

It is all gross to me and I couldn't imagine making my husband wear these devices. Why would any man or woman want their partner to do this?

On a different note, some mothers put these cock blocks on their adolescent sons to prevent them from 'sinning.' I also find this disturbing. The poor boys will stunt the growth of their penises and will never be able to hold a normal relationship. If the mother doesn't want to lock her child into one of these horrifying products, she could choose the anti-masturbation cross instead. At least it is more hygienic. 

Photo from StopMasturbationNow.org

Friday, October 17, 2014

Ebola is now an STD

Did you know that Ebola can live in sperm for 90 days after the patient recovers? 
The virus is not spreadable until symptoms are present. I personally think sex would be the last thing on an infected persons mind if they are vomiting and have diarrhea. I also wouldn't want to have sex with someone if they were displaying those symptoms. 

So if you think you or your partner have Ebola, please refrain from sex! Even if you think your over it, hold off for a few months. 

The disease can also cause long term inflammation of the testicles. 

#ebola #std

Thursday, October 16, 2014

What is the deal?

I was dating this guy for about 2 months. He was so busy. And his career came first. He was 8 years younger than me but couldn't go to work from 10-6 and hang out afterwards. Even on a Friday night. I'm 48 and can get 6 or less hours of sleep, work 8 or more hours and go party all night with twenty something's.  His lack of energy wasn't bad enough. He had 1-2 breakdowns a week. Every time this man got deeper into me he pulled back like a turtle head going in a shell. I'd go to end it and he'd be on me like white on rice. He was like a boomerang. So this week I laid it out. And you know what the bitch did. Wanted to get together tonight and hang and "cuddle" as the bitch calls it. Usually comes over around 8:30. Well Ms Thing never showed up. And went on a date with someone else... 
All I got to say is good luck with that dude. You can have that mess!!!! 

PS - Laziest man in bed I ever met. Just liked that he put out. 

Killer Vaginas Are Holding Penises Captivus

WHAT???

This post was triggered by a Cosmopolitan article I read on Facebook about a couple in Italy that got stuck together while having sex. (All I could think while reading this was he must have been an Italian stallion). They were getting it on in the ocean and the waves suctioned them together. 
A beach walker was alerted to their struggle and took them to the emergency room (imagine having that in the backseat of your car). The doctor gave the woman a shot to dilate her vagina and they were good to go. 

I am not going to bitch about this never happening to me because it sounds embarrassing, but my curiosity made me investigate further...

According to the internet, this is a pretty rare thing to happen. Occurrences have been documented back to 1910, but since penis captivus normally lasts just a few minutes, I am sure most cases were never reported. 

So one might wonder, how exactly does this happen? Good question. Apparently, the woman orgasms so strong that her vagina clamps down on her partner's penis, holding it captive. Now I might start bitching. Why have I never had an orgasm that strong? 

Here comes my ADD...
My mother has no filter and I remember a story she told me when I was a kid about this happening to our family dogs. My parents caught them having sex and tried to separate them but couldn't. I think she told me it was because dog's penises have spikes on the end of them that prevents them from separating until they are finished their business. Maybe that story was to scare me from having sex, but now I know it was penis captivus. 


Image courtesy of http://www.ziaruldegarda.ro/88/



Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Caption this picture

I don't have anything to bitch about but I found this picture entertaining.

My caption is "vagina nuts." What's your caption?


Photo courtesy of girltomom.com

#vagina

Monday, October 13, 2014

The anonymous one

I am the aforementioned friend that must remain anonymous and that laughed at Kate's previous fashion blog. I really try my hardest not to be bitchy, but sometimes life calls for bitchiness and that is why I'm contributing to this blog (that and the fact that I walk around with 'resting bitch face' most of the day). I'll probably mainly be posting about my ridiculous dating adventures and the crazy men I encounter in those adventures. When I'm not bitching, I'm working and raising my cutie pie daughter so she can grow up and do some bitching of her own!

The Dreaded Close Talker


                      

I am not one for having to maintain my personal bubble, but the "close talkers" really bother me. Especially when they have bad breath, which seems to be a common trait of the close talker.

I don't really understand why people see a need to close talk. Do they think I can't hear them? Or maybe what they are telling me is a secret? I deserve something really juicy when someone moves into my space, but it rarely ever turns out that way. Usually, it's some boring rambling that I don't care about. I don't know if their stories are long or if they just seem to take forever. 

Once the close talker has me backed into the corner it's a tough situation to get out of. Combating the close talker is difficult.
Faking a cough or sneeze might work. Or if you can get a word in edgewise try to mention you are getting over a stomach virus. 


                                   



Leave advice or experiences you have had relating to the dreaded "close talkers" in the comments. 

#closetalker


Online Dating - UGH!

Really? Why is it that guys contact you and are all "Hello Handsome" all hot and heavy. Then when you settle in with them a while and text them they don't answer but their little green light is all lit up on line. Every site has a green light. If you don't wanna chat then don't. But don't give me that shit that you were busy working or your so sick you can't text. Who is ever so sick they can't text?????
If you needed an ambulance I'm sure your ass could text 911...

And Then There Was Three...

No, I am not the 30 something year old woman with a kid. They let me join as the third author to this blog... 
My name is Kurt and I am a 48 year old gay man. I am single and dating primarily on line, which is a scary thing on its own. I live in an area that is not very gay friendly which makes life more interesting and complicated. I am painfully honest and direct, overly communicative and often lack the use of my filters. Which usually makes my best friend say "EEEWWWW!"

Friday, October 10, 2014

Girl Problem: Why Can't You Just Tell Me What Your Problem is?

I hate when people (mostly girls) text you and say they need to talk. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

Why do you need to make everything so dramatic?

You were obviously able to text because you sent me a message that said we need to discuss whatever it was that I did to offend you. Why couldn't you just continue to text me the rest of the story? Do I really need to go to dinner with you or skip the gym to hear about how upset you are?

If you don't want your problems to be saved in my phone as evidence of your annoyingness, then call me. It's not like I am going to show your texts to anyone or publish them on my blog, (see below).


These are three different text conversations that really happened. Maybe it's a basic bitch thing. #basicbitch

                   

Kate

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Why Create Something B*tchy?

Something B*tchy was thought up at a bar that my friend and I are somewhat regulars at for lunch. I told her I was starting a blog and she asked if it was about "something bitchy" (hence the name). I proceeded to show her my beauty and fashion blog that I was working on and she laughed hysterically. I guess I don't have a knack for writing about beauty products and it really shows when my most recent post was titled, "What's On My Face." That is when we brainstormed all of the bitchy topics we wanted to talk about and decided we were really going to move forward with this.

My name is Kate, or Katherine. Actually, I will go by anything you call me but Kathy (I'm sure you will read a post about that down the road.) Katherine is my real name. My posts will be very ADD and to the point. I am 27, married, and I don't have any children.

My friend, who has yet to come up with a name, because she needs to remain anonymous, will also be posting on this blog.  I'm not sure how old she is (I think she is 30), she is single but dating (a lot), and has a daughter.

We hope you enjoy all of our bitchy posts; but most of all, it's a good way for us to vent!