Friday, December 5, 2014

Oh Tannenbaum

My husband insisted on getting a fourteen foot Christmas tree this year. We couldn't find one anywhere that was big enough for him, so we ended up just ordering one. (Kurt calls any tree over twelve foot a penis extender.) In the meantime, we decorated our meager seven footer that we set up in the basement.

After waiting for a few days, the lady I placed my order with called and informed me they were walking through the forest looking for a tree to cut down. She said it would be available either that evening or the next day and asked if I wanted it delivered for just $25. I gladly agreed, because that seemed like pocket change compared to having to borrow someone's truck and all the hassle that would have went along with delivering it myself. She mentioned they could also set it up (decorating not included) for another $15. I declined that offer because I knew my husband enjoyed doing that himself. That was a poor decision on my part!

Later that evening, I was on the treadmill and got a phone call from a number I have never seen before. I answered and a man asked what my address was. He didn't say hello, did not identify himself...he just requested my address. Not thinking, I blurted it out all the way down to the zip code.

Quickly I rebutted my stupidity, and said, "Wait, are you the tree people?"

He responded, "Yes. What does your house look like?"

Again I responded and gave a total stranger way too much information.

Suddenly I became fearful and everything else he said became a blur. Even though he asked do you want me to set it up, and, "You do know this is a fourteen footer," I thought this man was out to get me.

I leaped off the treadmill and sped home to make sure my house was in tact. Thankfully, no one was there...just a gigantic tree laying out front.

My husband came home and we attempted to move it, but it proved to be too heavy. I called upon my fellow blogger, Kurt, for assistance.

Thirty minutes later he arrived and looked at the monstrosity of a tree, laying in my front yard, in horror.

My husband picked up the stump and was in front, Kurt got the middle, and I trailed behind with the top of the tree. We hoisted it through the door and up the stairs, struggling the whole time. Almost there, my husband exclaimed, "Push!" At that moment Kurt fell to the ground as the tree swept over his lifeless body. He disappeared as he was enveloped in pine.

Kurt, after we removed the 200 lbs tree from him

We couldn't stop now. The tree still had to be set up. It took several tries and a few shims made of 2x4s to get it kind of straight. It was time to cut the rope (not net like a normal tree, but burlap rope). As it was snipped, the branches began to fall. I watched in horror, terrified they would break out my windows. I didn't expect for the pressure to actually knock one of my track lights off the ceiling. It crashed to the floor and broke.

I may have had a few drinks by this point, so my only reaction was to sit next to the fireplace and cry out, "You are destroying my house!"
I was mocked for saying that the rest of the night.

All in all, the Christmas tree looks great! We created new holiday memories, and even though my husband promised that we can stick with a twelve foot tree in the future, I have a feeling we will be reliving this experience again.

We are missing a track light in this picture.
You can also see that my tree is being supported by a noose tied from the beam.