Thursday, November 20, 2014

What Your Mom Never Told You About Bitches

1. They are everywhere: Everywhere you go, every direction you look... there is a bitch. Young and old, all shapes and sizes... they cannot be avoided. You would think they would go away after high school, but people do not grow up. Instead they just grow bitchier.

2. She will occupy a lot of time in your life: More time than the bitch is worth. You will go home after school, work, or where ever and contemplate how much you hate this person. You will relive conversations with the bitch over and over again in your mind and kick yourself for not saying something really nasty to her.

3. They are not always women: But for ease we will just describe them as females in this post. Gay men can be just as, or even more, bitchy than any woman.

4. The Bitchy Resting Face will give her terrible wrinkles: Instead of happy laugh lines, she will be stricken with the dreaded elevens. Unless she succumbs to Botox (which she probably will because that is what bitches do), those indentions will be so deep she will be able to hide paper clips in them.

5. She will always be better than you: Maybe not literally, but you will be convinced of it.

6. Your man will never understand: He will just think you are an overreacting jealous bitch. The more you bad mouth her to him, the more you make her look like the victim.

7. Actually, the only people that will understand are your mom and your best friend: They are the only people on your side. Everyone else sees her as an angel and thinks you are crazy. You will spend countless hours talking to your mom and bf about your hate towards her and they will try to advise you on how to deal with her.

8. There is no way to deal with her: It's impossible to ignore her and she will always have the upper hand.

9. You might just think she is a bitch because she is prettier than you: ... or skinnier, or more popular, more successful, or all of the above. Sometimes she might actually be the nicest person in the world, but the only way you can cope with her superiority is to categorize her as a bitch. This is not always true. Sometimes the person you think is bitchy is an old fat woman. In that case, jealousy is not the reason.

10. Once she goes away, someone else will take her place: She may move, or quit her job, and you think you are finally in the clear. As soon as you feel relaxed, your bitch radar will pickup on someone new and it starts all over again. Kind of like when Michael Myers wakes up at the end of the Halloween movies. It is never over.

11. She is going through the same thing as you: There is someone out there that she is envious of. She is calling her best friend and mom to talk about that person she calls a bitch. It happens to the best of us. It's just life.

12. She will make you stronger: The strong emotions you harbor against her will just make you more capable of dealing with the next bitch you run in to. After about your third bitch, you will be able to handle your emotions better. Eventually, you will get past the point of caring and will be able to just brush those bitches off.

I can speak first hand of this topic because I am a certified bitch, 'elevens' and all. Please post your comments of things your mother never told you about bitches below...