Thursday, December 18, 2014

This One Is Actually From My Heart

Shaquisha is the epitome of a bitch. Her scowl, her demeanor, her need for attention. She is one cunt that I just can't stand.

Her flat ass can't sit in the sales office and work? Maybe if she showed an ounce of performance related to her job, someone would respect her. The only thing she excels at is being an "under the desk assistant."
Apparently, she feels she is superior to everyone else and cannot be bothered with day to day tasks. If she isn't getting ass fucked or drinking herself into oblivion, it isn't worth her time.

Shaquisha has this face, sort of like a Jim Hensen puppet. It moves in strange ways and is covered in sun spots from the abuse she puts it through. It's a face that only a mother could love.

The way I see her on the outside is most likely molded by the energy she pushes out from within. She isn't terribly ugly, yet when I look at her I feel the vomit moving up from my stomach to the back of my throat.

Her voice is not off tone or awfully offensive, but to me it sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

I just can't stand her.

It's mostly personal. She works for my father and has manipulated her way in as being his pseudo daughter. He shops for her and would stand up for her over me in almost any circumstance.
She did this. This is the work of a genuine conniving tramp.

She has him wrapped around her little finger and strings him along like a pathetic puppet. I think he is so blinded by the reality she created for him, that he can't even find the light to escape that hell.

Everyone around them sees it, although I am the only one that can muster up the strength to say something. When I do, it is seen as a direct attack and is immediately shot down.
I hear people making crude jokes about their inexplicable relationship, and I cannot disagree with them. If him and her want to portray themselves as vile idiots, that is their prerogative. I would rather not be associated with it though.

This bitch has crossed lines that no human being should. I can sit here and talk about her as much as I want (which truly does help), but it is karma that will get her in the end. Someway, somehow, she will learn.



Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Google Searches December 2014

I am six days late at posting my Google search history...so kill me. I almost forgot about it until I saw a post about the 10 Most Popular Google Searches of 2014, that was on MTV.com. The things they listed definitely weren't what I was Googling. This is what MTV listed...

           10. Ukraine

             9. Frozen

               8. Ferguson

               7. ISIS

               6. ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

               5. Flappy Bird

               4. Malaysia Airlines (There were over 200 million searches for "mh370")

               3. Ebola

               2. World Cup

               1. Robin Williams


 And this is what I was Googling just last month...

           10. Jelly Filled Fat People
           
               9. Am I Crazy

               8. Why Taylor Swift Never Shows Her Belly Button

               7. Mormon Underwear

               6. Ham Canyon

               5. Why Are Chinese Women Taking Pictures of Their Armpits

               4. Dewey Skin

               3. Fucked Up Penises Of Internet

               2. What I Don't Know About Vaginas

               1. Thanksgiving Makeup Funny


None of my Google searches in 2014 were included on MTV's list. Either I am an anomaly or everyone is liars. I can't believe I am the only one to use the internet to search for useless information.
   

Monday, December 15, 2014

Creepy Facebook Request

I received a friend request on Facebook, that I am on the fence about accepting or deleting. The person may be the creepiest dork I have ever laid eyes on, but I actually find his page amusing. I am unsure whether or not he really exists, and if he does, I feel sorry for him because he just doesn't understand life. I am pretty sure his page is a joke though. I should probably report him to Facebook either way, because his page cannot be unseen, and it almost scars your eyes.

Most of his pictures are of him (or whomever) masturbating, and photoshopped into public places. He also has a few, full frontal, nudes on his page; which are really disgusting. He describes himself as being 70% of a loser, that is incredibly nervous around women, and still a virgin. He is 29, straight, 5'4", 135 lbs, and is packing a very small peen. He has several Facebook friends, and even attended the same high school as me. His name is...Stanley Bohner.



In one of his posts he confesses his love to one of his female coworkers. He says, "It's true that I have spread some rumors about us but I'm only telling them how I feel about our relationship." So I think it would be safe to say that he is also psychotic.

I don't normally steal pictures off of people's Facebook pages and post them on here, because I don't want to get in trouble for plagiarism...but here it goes. Please enjoy the creepiest loser on Facebook's photos and posts...








I will spare you from the horrible nudes Stanley shared with the internet. 




Friday, December 12, 2014

In Today's News


  • A woman appeared on the Steve Harvey show because she had extreme trust issues. Apparently she signs her boyfriend's penis, with marker, every time he leaves their house. Although, a prostitute probably wouldn't care about this, most women would be deterred by her tactics. 


  • The famous picture of Kim K, breaking the Internet with her huge ass and slippery body, has been artistically recreated. Below you will see the portrait that Uwe Max Jensen painted with his own penis. I can imagine that this talent would get very messy...
Photo from mtv.com


  • McDonald's reported this week that it will be cutting eight menu items this January. The fast food giant's decision was in response to decreased sales over the the past year. The extra value menu will be cut back from 16 items to 11, and it is still unknown what additional items will be unavailable in 2015. 



  • A gun range in Sandy Springs Georgia is offering alternative Christmas pictures with Santa this year. Guests will pose with the jolly fellow while holding their choice of AK-47's, AR-15's, or FN-SCAR-17's. Santa shouldn't be in fear though, because all the guns will be unloaded and only adults over eighteen will be allowed to participate. Imagine when Grandma gets that Christmas card! 


Image from Sandy Springs Gun Club & Range's Facebook page






Monday, December 8, 2014

Boner Blog

Somehow I always find myself reading useless blog posts on the internet (and sometimes writing them.) No matter how stupid the material is, I become captivated by it and actually find it extremely interesting.

Tonight I was reading a blog by Cosmopolitan magazine titled, "13 Things I Wish I Knew About Boners When I Was Younger." I am not sure why I was reading this, or even why Cosmo posted it. The article seemed geared towards men and I never really wished I knew anything it talked about. 

I did find #13 pretty fascinating though...


I never thought about a boner touching the underside of a toilet seat? I really hope this is a rare phenomenon because it is gross. Maybe this article should have been, "Things I Wishd I Never Knew About Boners." 

I have several questions/concerns with this... 

1. Does this happen in public restrooms? If so, that is even more gross than it happening in the privacy of your home because public toilets are nasty!
2. Is this only something that happens to penises over a certain length? 
3. Do men clean it when this happens? (Not the toilet, their penis.)
4. Is there a funny Urban Dictionary term for this? Like Dip Seat? Eww!
5. Why does a guy have a boner when he is sitting down to poop anyways? 

I don't think I will ever think about a boner the same way again. 

Friday, December 5, 2014

Oh Tannenbaum

My husband insisted on getting a fourteen foot Christmas tree this year. We couldn't find one anywhere that was big enough for him, so we ended up just ordering one. (Kurt calls any tree over twelve foot a penis extender.) In the meantime, we decorated our meager seven footer that we set up in the basement.

After waiting for a few days, the lady I placed my order with called and informed me they were walking through the forest looking for a tree to cut down. She said it would be available either that evening or the next day and asked if I wanted it delivered for just $25. I gladly agreed, because that seemed like pocket change compared to having to borrow someone's truck and all the hassle that would have went along with delivering it myself. She mentioned they could also set it up (decorating not included) for another $15. I declined that offer because I knew my husband enjoyed doing that himself. That was a poor decision on my part!

Later that evening, I was on the treadmill and got a phone call from a number I have never seen before. I answered and a man asked what my address was. He didn't say hello, did not identify himself...he just requested my address. Not thinking, I blurted it out all the way down to the zip code.

Quickly I rebutted my stupidity, and said, "Wait, are you the tree people?"

He responded, "Yes. What does your house look like?"

Again I responded and gave a total stranger way too much information.

Suddenly I became fearful and everything else he said became a blur. Even though he asked do you want me to set it up, and, "You do know this is a fourteen footer," I thought this man was out to get me.

I leaped off the treadmill and sped home to make sure my house was in tact. Thankfully, no one was there...just a gigantic tree laying out front.

My husband came home and we attempted to move it, but it proved to be too heavy. I called upon my fellow blogger, Kurt, for assistance.

Thirty minutes later he arrived and looked at the monstrosity of a tree, laying in my front yard, in horror.

My husband picked up the stump and was in front, Kurt got the middle, and I trailed behind with the top of the tree. We hoisted it through the door and up the stairs, struggling the whole time. Almost there, my husband exclaimed, "Push!" At that moment Kurt fell to the ground as the tree swept over his lifeless body. He disappeared as he was enveloped in pine.

Kurt, after we removed the 200 lbs tree from him

We couldn't stop now. The tree still had to be set up. It took several tries and a few shims made of 2x4s to get it kind of straight. It was time to cut the rope (not net like a normal tree, but burlap rope). As it was snipped, the branches began to fall. I watched in horror, terrified they would break out my windows. I didn't expect for the pressure to actually knock one of my track lights off the ceiling. It crashed to the floor and broke.

I may have had a few drinks by this point, so my only reaction was to sit next to the fireplace and cry out, "You are destroying my house!"
I was mocked for saying that the rest of the night.

All in all, the Christmas tree looks great! We created new holiday memories, and even though my husband promised that we can stick with a twelve foot tree in the future, I have a feeling we will be reliving this experience again.


We are missing a track light in this picture.
You can also see that my tree is being supported by a noose tied from the beam.




Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Gym Problems

Here is a quick rant...

I am on the treadmill right now at LA Fitness. After cooking and cleaning, I mustered up just enough energy to do this and this fucking dickhead next to me is really pissing me off. 

He is listening to this awful headbanging music on his cellphone with no headphones! Who does that?

I am bitchy right now because of all the holiday stress. I don't know if I should loudly ask Siri to text Jnoww that, "the fucking piece of shit asshole next to me is listening to some shitty ass music."  Or instead, maybe I should just play my own music out loud. 

In the meantime I will just continue to give him dirty looks! 

Happy Thanksgiving


I host Thanksgiving at my house every year for between twenty and forty people. That is a tremendous amount of work. I have been working on my 'in-depth' cleaning for the past few weeks. That is the cleaning my husband just doesn't understand (i.e. wiping off baseboards, cleaning the kickboards under my kitchen cabinets, etc.) I still have so much to do!

This Thanksgiving I can be thankful for the snow, because I think I will be leaving work early and will have some extra time to prepare. Tonight I need to clean the bathrooms, vacuum the whole house, bake a cake, peel potatoes, and prep the stuffing. I also plan to indulge in a few glasses of wine while I am at it!   
With all the stress, I am not feeling overly creative today. That is why I decided to steal some content from the internet to share with you...





pinterest.com







someecards.com







http://funny-pictures.funmunch.com/







http://funny-pictures.funmunch.com/







http://lifeaftercollegelvt.blogspot.com/







dumpaday.com








AND FINALLY IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS...
gopixpic.com






Monday, November 24, 2014

Gifts You Will Probably NOT Be Getting For Christmas 2014


FOR THE BEAUTY JUNKIE

Christian Louboutin 'Rouge Louboutin - Starlight'  $675
Photo courtesy of Nordstrom.com

Christian Louboutin's shoes have, and always will be, expensive. The brand has now added outrageously pricey nail lacquers to it's high end repertoire.

You can paint your fingers to match the soles of your shoes with Louboutin's $50 polish, but why? It's not as much fun as battling with the 1,500 two tone Strass crystals glued to this $675 bottle.

And what happens when you run out of polish? Do you chuck the container or hoard the empty packaging?

Oh... did I mention it is gluten free?






FOR THOSE WITH DRUG SEEKING BEHAVIOR

Lalique Ocean Crystal Candle $1330
NeimanMarcus.com

Thankfully it ships for free, because someone who can afford and $1330 candle can't afford five dollars of shipping and handling.

The Ocean scent is supposed to mimic undersea fountains and will bring you euphoria. Sounds like something that is only legal in Utah!

It would be highly disappointing to unwrap my presents and find this as my main gift; unless it does truly bring me euphoria.






FOR THE UNDERWATER ADVENTURER

The Submarine Sports Car     $2 million
Hammacher.com
No, this is not a really bad picture... it is actually a submarine sports car. This would be really cool if you had someone willing to spend two million dollars on you

Just in case you are in a high speed underwater car chase, this James Bond inspired vehicle can reach speeds of up to 75 mph. Hopefully your chase ends soon though because the two built in scuba tanks only provide oxygen for one hour.

Don't worry, because this is a zero-emission vehicle.






FOR THE KID THAT HAS IT ALL

D. Throne Electric Car   $5995
BergdorfGoodman.com

For that special child in your life; the D. Throne Electric Car.

Made of oak, aluminum and high end Italian leather. This is the gift on every kid under 285 lbs's wish list. For just $5995, it is surprisingly still in stock. 

Imagine seeing your little one speeding along your cobblestone driveway in this unique automobile. Not just that, but it would be the perfect accessory in front of your tree with a giant red bow.






FOR YOUR GRANDMOTHER OR REALLY OLD AUNT

iLuminage Skin Smoothing Laser $595
NeimanMarcus.com

What comes to mind when first looking at this picture?

Well thankfully it is not what you think.

Nemian Marcus claims, "The Skin Smoothing Laser™ delivers pulses of laser light below the surface of the skin, where wrinkles form. This technology is known to trigger the body's natural response to generate new collagen fibers. Skin's support structure is reinforced from within—significantly reducing wrinkles."

When did this luxury retailer start selling snake oil?

Although FDA approved, I think my $595 would be better spent on Botox rather than on some dildo to wave across my face.






FOR THAT SEXY SOMEONE


Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio in this years $2 million fantasy bras
Photo courtesy of nydailynews.com

Every year I get excited to see Victoria's Secret's fantasy bra. I don't really know why because I could never afford it, and even if I could, it always looks so uncomfortable.

Technically, this year it is more like lingerie sets than bras. They won't be officially debuted until the December 9th Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in NYC, but I found a sneak peek.

I couldn't imagine wearing this getup under my clothes, or to bed with my husband.

These $2 million bras are adorned with diamonds, sapphires, and over 16,000 rubies.






ANOTHER GIFT FOR AN OLD WOMAN


Leontine Linens Home Trousseau $55,000
NeimanMarcus.com

This year's Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog was all together disappointing, but sheets? Come on!

If you decide to drop $55,000 on this gift, you will receive "several" phone calls to discuss sheets... yawn!

Once you work out all the details you will receive linens for your master bedroom, queen child's room, twin child's room, queen guest room, master bathroom, queen child's bath, twin children's bath, guest bath, dining room, and powder room. This package also includes twelve cocktail napkins.

In case that didn't sell you, you will be sent a signed copy of the hardcover book, Linens for Every Room and Occasion, and "all items arrive laundered, pressed, and ready for use."






FOR THE CONFIRMED ALCOHOLIC


Tequila Ley  $3,500,000
Ley925.com

You would have to be a serious connoisseur to be able to appreciate a 3.5 million dollar bottle of tequila.

Not a big seller, actually no one has purchased this yet. Which makes this even more special.

Adorned with 6,400 diamonds, you can't go wrong.

This is the perfect gift for someone trying to stock their home bar.




































FOR HER

1993 Hermes Estimate: HK$ 150,000-200,000
Christies.com

Today, on November 24th, you can bid on a collection of fine handbags and accessories that every woman needs in her life. The perfect gift to say, "I love you," other than diamonds and jewels; but Elizabeth Taylors jewelry auction already happened.

All the auction prices are in Hong Kong dollars, so the Hermes bag pictured above for HK$ 150,000 is only 19,338.12 in US dollars. Pocket change for a high end purse. Be sure to buy more than just one of the fine Bottega Veneta, Chanel, Hermes, and Louis Vuitton creations available at Christies.

Couldn't make it to Hong Kong? Don't worry. Starting on November 25th and ending on December 4th, handbags & accessories will be available at Christies online auction.






FOR HIM
Photo courtesy of CNBC.com
We saved the best for last.

This is the gift that will set him apart. 
Just wait to see his face when you unveil this 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO. 
At $34.65 million, and with only thirty-six ever made, he will surely be the only one of his friends to have one.

The most collectible and desired Ferrari available, you won't be able to top this gift in the coming years. 


Thursday, November 20, 2014

What Your Mom Never Told You About Bitches

1. They are everywhere: Everywhere you go, every direction you look... there is a bitch. Young and old, all shapes and sizes... they cannot be avoided. You would think they would go away after high school, but people do not grow up. Instead they just grow bitchier.

2. She will occupy a lot of time in your life: More time than the bitch is worth. You will go home after school, work, or where ever and contemplate how much you hate this person. You will relive conversations with the bitch over and over again in your mind and kick yourself for not saying something really nasty to her.

3. They are not always women: But for ease we will just describe them as females in this post. Gay men can be just as, or even more, bitchy than any woman.

4. The Bitchy Resting Face will give her terrible wrinkles: Instead of happy laugh lines, she will be stricken with the dreaded elevens. Unless she succumbs to Botox (which she probably will because that is what bitches do), those indentions will be so deep she will be able to hide paper clips in them.

5. She will always be better than you: Maybe not literally, but you will be convinced of it.

6. Your man will never understand: He will just think you are an overreacting jealous bitch. The more you bad mouth her to him, the more you make her look like the victim.

7. Actually, the only people that will understand are your mom and your best friend: They are the only people on your side. Everyone else sees her as an angel and thinks you are crazy. You will spend countless hours talking to your mom and bf about your hate towards her and they will try to advise you on how to deal with her.

8. There is no way to deal with her: It's impossible to ignore her and she will always have the upper hand.

9. You might just think she is a bitch because she is prettier than you: ... or skinnier, or more popular, more successful, or all of the above. Sometimes she might actually be the nicest person in the world, but the only way you can cope with her superiority is to categorize her as a bitch. This is not always true. Sometimes the person you think is bitchy is an old fat woman. In that case, jealousy is not the reason.

10. Once she goes away, someone else will take her place: She may move, or quit her job, and you think you are finally in the clear. As soon as you feel relaxed, your bitch radar will pickup on someone new and it starts all over again. Kind of like when Michael Myers wakes up at the end of the Halloween movies. It is never over.

11. She is going through the same thing as you: There is someone out there that she is envious of. She is calling her best friend and mom to talk about that person she calls a bitch. It happens to the best of us. It's just life.

12. She will make you stronger: The strong emotions you harbor against her will just make you more capable of dealing with the next bitch you run in to. After about your third bitch, you will be able to handle your emotions better. Eventually, you will get past the point of caring and will be able to just brush those bitches off.


I can speak first hand of this topic because I am a certified bitch, 'elevens' and all. Please post your comments of things your mother never told you about bitches below...

Monday, November 17, 2014

16 Things You Don't Know About Me

Last year Facebook had a challenge where one of your friends would give you a number and you had to list that many things about yourself that no one knew. Usually social media challenges suck and I don't participate even if nominated (i.e. Ice Bucket Challenge). This one was different because I love talking about myself!
I forgot all about it until it popped up on my Timehop app this morning. When I saw it, I knew I had to share. So here it is, sixteen things most people probably don't know about me...

1. Summer is my favorite season
2. St. Martin feels like my second home
3. I like to let my hair air dry because I am afraid if I style it too much it will look old before too long
4. I married the man of my dreams and best friend this year (in 2013)
5. If company is coming to my house the first thing I do is clean the toilets
6. I don't have a favorite color because I love all colors and can't choose just one
7. I hate when people call me Kathy
8. I am terrified of aging... and the idea of childbirth
9. My favorite number is nine
10. My cat's name is Haus and I spoil her rotten
11. Instead of giving my children the childhood I never had, I hope when I have children that I can give them the childhood that I did have
12. I love to gossip and shop
13. I think I have Misophonia, my husband just thinks I'm a hypochondriac
14. Sometimes I think coffee smells like cat pee
15. I love everything about myself except my singing voice
16. I can be annoyingly persistent and I do it happily


Now I challenge you to name 3 things no one knows about you in the comments...

Friday, November 14, 2014

I Feel Sick, Homeless People, & Budweisers To-Go

I hate being sick. Every time I get sick I wish it was another ailment that I had come down with. If I have a cold I say, "Wow, diarrhea would be so much better." If I have the stomach flu, I dream of trading it for the sniffles. I guess you just have to take the hand you are dealt and ride it out.

Right now I have a bad cold that I just can't seem to kick. That is why we haven't had any new blogs lately. Blowing your nose every five minutes really doesn't make you feel funny, or anything for that matter, except miserable. You would have had more posts but my co-bloggers, Kurt & Jnoww, suck at producing content on a regular basis (sorry guys but it is true).

The day I first came down with my cold I had lunch with Jnoww. I wasn't feeling too bad yet and thought it may pass. We met at a local bar and thankfully no one was there because I already looked horrible. I only had mascara on and my skin had no color.
As I waited for her, a dorky red head came in and sat down the bar from me. He pulled out his phone and talked the rest of the time I was there.
Another red head, even dorkier than the first, came in and sat down at the bar.

The clientele at this bar made me want to get up and leave, but I waited and Jnoww finally arrived.

We talked a little about our blog. She couldn't believe my post on my Google search topics. As we caught up with each other and placed our orders, a third and final patron entered the bar.

This man appeared to be homeless. He sat down catercorner to me at the "L" shaped bar and ordered a Budweiser bottle for there. I was shocked by his request because I didn't know you could order beer to go in Pennsylvania. I inspected the man's face and saw a lesion across his jawline. Immediately I feared this man had aids and thought about leaving again, but it was too late. We had already ordered.

Our food came and went and my curiosity had me infatuated with this odd man's behavior, like an accident on the interstate. I am sure I was staring but for some reason didn't really care.
He ordered a second Budweiser and asked the bartender how much it cost. Carefully he reached into the grocery bag he was using as a wallet and pulled out about five dollars. He laid the bills out flat until he had the four dollars he needed for his beer and put the other dollar back into his plastic pocketbook.

I wandered to myself if alcohol was what got this guy into this situation. Than I wandered in horror if he might throw up. I don't know why that came to my mind, that is just what I thought a homeless man might do.

The man tried to make small talk and asked the bartender if Rite-Aid would be open and rudely the bartender said he didn't see why it wouldn't be. The homeless man said, "It's a holiday." The bartender responded, "Not that kind of holiday."

It was Veterans day. Any sane person would know that Rite Aid was open, which made me further wander what was wrong with this man.

He said, "I have another question. Are you open for Thanksgiving."

The bartender said, "No."

That was the last I heard the homeless man speak.

I was saddened by the idea that this man had no place to go for the holiday, but also thought that he may have just wanted to go their for his Thanksgiving Budweiser.


Monday, November 10, 2014

Google Search History

It has been one month since our blog went live! During that month, I have been researching topics I never even knew existed. Most of the time I am doing this from my work computer, and I cannot fathom what a tech person would think if they looked at my search history. I thought it would be fun to share, and I will try to post an updated search history for you monthly. So here it is...



My Most Interesting Google Searches Last Month

  • Ugly clothing men wear
  • Small peen
  • Cabbage in vagina
  • Hate naval base strippers
  • Military stripper
  • Fart scented air freshener
  • Weird things found in beards
  • Weird penis games
  • Is it ok to eat roadkill
  • Bury joseph to sell your house
  • Blue waffles
  • My husband gets pimples when I get my period
  • Snuggy sex
  • Anti rape spike strip
  • Turtleing penis

Photo from http://funny-pictures.picphotos.net/

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Penis Size, "Friendly Dating", Attack of the Small Penis!

If a guy tells you the biggest sex organ is the brain. Run! His biggest sex organ is his brain. Who wants to get brain fucked anyway?
Men talking about their penis size (esp. on line!) are no different than the frustrated fisherman. They are all telling the "and it was this big..." story. 
Not a size queen or anything myself but I was once set up with a man for a wedding date. Stated from beginning to end that we were friends only. No sex! Seriously! 
I mean I am a man after all and even after consuming about 25 Capt. & Cokes in a 4 hour period I was still saying just friends. Proof positive there was absolutely no interest...
Well we shared the room I had reserved and went to sleep. In no time there was what felt like a finger touching my leg under the sheets. Seriously I thought it was a finger. But no, I couldn't be that lucky. So I reached around and grabbed it. Good God it was a pinky sized dick attached to two cordial cherries! 
I felt as though I had come under attack from an adolescent wielding his boy weenus at me. I quickly grabbed every pillow and blanket and sharp object in the room and  barrackated myself from the little dick onslaught. 
So - no more "just friends" dates unless you meet somewhere driving separately  or can drop their ass off at home immediately afterwards.  
And for sex sake make sure they have at least an "average size" penis before you share a room with anyone. Or make sure you have 2 queen beds instead of the big beautiful king size bed. Just sayin'! 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Why We Hate Shaquisha and You Should Too...

1. She is a former stripper - A military base stripper at that.

2. She is a drama queen - Everything that happens to her leads to an over-exaggerated story. One minute her ex husband is coming to kill her, the next minute she is the one stalking him on Facebook.

3. She is a hypochondriac - This goes along the lines with being a drama queen. I recall her getting poison ivy last summer and when the first tiny blister popped up, she insisted she had skin cancer. Since then, she was convinced she has at least four other types of cancer.

4. She is unoriginal - This bitch will go out two days after you and get the same haircut. She is that obvious about it. Her style has completely changed to mimic mine, although we all no she cannot be me.

5. She is a thunder stealer - Two years ago in April, my husband proposed to me. In less than a month she forced her husband to propose to her. To top it off, she made sure her wedding date came before mine (I guess so it looked like I was the one copying). She even posted a picture on Facebook of her visiting the place I bought my dress and trying on my sash.

6. She is a liar - She has told me for the past several years how her husband and her are going on a Caribbean vacation or a cruise. The bitch doesn't even have a passport, so I know it's not happening. She makes up stories about other people's lives too. Once she had everyone convinced that someone we all knew was cheating on their spouse. We later found out it wasn't true.

7. Her sex life sucks and she tells everyone about it - She even admitted that the first time her husband and her had 'sober-sex' it was awful. One time she told me her vagina looks like turkey deli meat, and that may have something to do with her husband's lack of sex drive. Apparently, he only wants to have anal sex with her or have her lick his butt hole (I can't imagine that breath...Gag!).

8. She is an alcoholic - Her family, even her husband, has got on her case about this.

9. She steals money from the government - She waited to change her name after getting married till she got her last benefit check from the government. Although her husband sat at home all day living off the G.I. bill, the government was paying to put her son in daycare. I don't think people that are receiving any help from the government should own four high definition televisions, all over 60".

10. She sucks at her job - Literally!




Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I Hate This Woman

Last night, this woman I hate was in my class at the gym. She is just one of those people that, when I look at her, I know deep down I just don't like her. He frizzy hair, her overly worn clothes, her bulbous nose, and her frumpy figure are nothing to be jealous of. This dislike does not spawn from envy.

The only thing this woman has ever done to me is take my spot in class. I always have the same spot. Then she started to take it! That didn't last long because I started coming to class early to set my stuff up and mark my territory. She caught on and started to come early too, and it was almost like we were in a pissing contest. Now I am at class at least a half an hour before it starts, and I finally feel like I won.

She is always the person to yell out what muscle group we are working when the instructor asks. This just screams 'one-upper!'

Another time she got under my skin was when we had a different instructor substituting. This woman made such a big deal about, "Oh I get such a better workout from [regular instructor's name here]. This other teacher doesn't know what she is doing. Blah, blah, blah."
I am not joking, ten minutes into that class, she created a scene and we all had to stop what we were doing because she couldn't breathe. Apparently, she wasn't as tough as she thought.

I was trying to explain this hate to my friends (yes I do have friends) in this class last night. Jnoww spoke up for me and said, "that is just how Kate is." I guess the people that know me well, understand that I choose to hate people for no reason.

#hate

Thursday, October 30, 2014

My Thoughts on Roadkill

I drove past a dead cat on the side of the road two days ago and the thought still affects me. Today when I drove past that same area I thought about how different types of dead animals make me feel. Here is a compilation of various species of roadkill (aka "flat meats") I have encountered. I gave them each an impact score from 1 to 10. One had the least impact on me and ten had the highest.

FunnySigns.net

1. Cats- I love cats so to see one dead on the road is heartbreaking. Sometimes I wander if people hit them on purpose because they dislike them. Impact score: 8

2. Dogs- I also love dogs. Dogs unlike cats are definitely someone's pet. Could you imagine your dog getting out, then driving by it smashed on the street? I can't imagine that feeling. Impact score: 10

3. Deer- Dead deer are so prevalent in Pennsylvania that I barely think twice when I see one. I actually worry more about the person's car that hit one. Impact score: 1

4. Humans- Not technically hit by a car but laying on the side of the road. It was an older man and his legs were still in his car but his body was out on the pavement. I think he may have had a heart attack. I called the police as I drove past and talked about it the rest of the day. Impact score: 10

5. Mice- I hate mice whether they are alive or dead. This is not an animal I would see from my car but I have seen while walking. Typically I scream and run to the other side of the street as if it was alive. Impact score: 8

6. Rats- A rat is like a mouse on steroids. Impact score: 9

7. Skunks- This animal does not affect me emotionally. The smell is what gives this animal any score at all. Impact score:3

8. Possums- Their tails bother me. Just the sight of this animal gives me the heebie jeebies. Possums must be the ugliest species on earth. Impact score: 6

9. Squirrels- I like squirrels and always swerve when they run out onto the road (which is very dangerous). Just like cats, I think some people intentionally kill them. I think I cried once when I ran over a squirrel. Impact score: 5 

10. Iguanas- I actually saw one of these get hit by a jeep in St. Martin. My husband and I were driving on a back road and a four foot iguana walked out in front of us. I got my camera out and as soon as I started to take pictures, a jeep came speeding by.  It was horrifying. I hate iguanas, but seeing it get decapitated and jumping around in pain was disgusting. Impact score: 8, due to the circumstance

11. Birds- Dead birds don't bother me unless it is a duck or something like that, which I have never seen as roadkill. Impact score: 1

12. Rabbits- Rabbits are cute but stupid. Earlier this spring, I swear one of my neighborhood bunnies was suicidal. Every time I drove past he would jump out in front of my car. Eventually, someone did hit him and I didn't feel to bad. Impact score: 4


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Meet Shaquisha

Its tough to hate fake bitches with a passion like I do. Especially when you work with one or can't avoid seeing one everyday!

Just the look of this one bitch's face makes me want to scratch her eyes out. I know she talks shit about me so I won't hesitate to reciprocate the favor.

We were friends when we first met but then she started copying me. Like psycho copying me!
I got my bangs cut and a week later she got hers cut. She dresses the same as me, and even tries to hang out with my friends. Going to the gym is a big part of my life, so she made it a part of her life.

I am actually convinced that she is a lesbian (although she is married), and that she is in love with me. She seems to be infatuated with everything I do.

My husband always tells me that mockery is the highest form of flattery. I think it is the highest form of psychotic.

For the purpose of this blog, I will name this crazy bitch Shaquisha, and try to give you an update on her weekly. My fellow blog authors know who this person is, and you may occasionally see them blog about her too!


Monday, October 27, 2014

Online Dating Story - It's Pat!

Well woke up the other morning to a "like" on Match.com. So I go in and look at the person that apparently likes me. I think to myself - it's a she, no it's a him - maybe it's a shim! What appeared to be a like from a woman originally had turned out to be from a man upon closer inspection of "his" profile. 
So androgynous I was baffled.
 It looked kind of like John Denver (RIP) when he would let his hair grow and then do the bowl cut doo. 
I was so quickly brought back to the SNL skits about "Pat". 
Needless to say, I really don't want any likes from a person whose genus I cannot even decipher. Just sayin!

Who Would Wear This?

My office gets so many catalogs in the mail, and I feel it is part of my job to look through them. This one catalog really pissed me off. Why would anyone put these awful clothes on the market? This company is encouraging people to be dorky, and making money off of it.

The company is called Castaway Clothing, and their products are terribly ugly. No one should buy anything from here unless they are going to an ugly pants Christmas party!

Photo courtesy of Castawayclothing.com
Castawayclothing.com








Guys, you will NOT get laid wearing these pants!

Their women's clothing aren't any better. If you see a couple that looks like this, run...

Castawayclothing.com

They are likely to be extremely boring and probably have a weird sexual fetish you don't even know about (like snuggie sex, or dressing up like unicorns in the bedroom)!



Photo from snuggiesutra.com. 




Saturday, October 25, 2014

Dirty mouths

Can I just take a moment to rant about how much I hate the fact that guys feel like they are entitled to jam their tongue down your throat because they bought you one beer? You go in for a polite hug after a date and suddenly you're being molested and someone else's tongue has taken over your mouth. I'm going to start biting... And not in the good, sexual way. Back the fuck off and see if the girl likes you before you give your tongue the workout of a lifetime boys. Ugh, seriously, I'm having to gargle with bleach too much lately (joking... But I feel like I need some strong disinfectant to deal with these crazy tongues).

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Caption This Picture...

Photo courtesy of The Lalas, Burlesque!

Rant: Dirty Public Restrooms

My husband drug me unwillingly to a local festival last weekend and I was disgusted by the bathroom situation. There were clusters of porta-potties everywhere but that wasn't good enough for me. I couldn't muster the strength to enter one of these shit holes (literally).

We finally found a real bathroom. It was made of concrete blocks and had the typical 20 ft line of women emerging out of the entrance door. My husband waited with me until a lady walked by and informed us that there was no toilet paper in the stalls. Drew went to the men's room and came out with a full roll. I didn't have the heart to tell him I would have just done without. Not knowing what to do, I ripped a piece off and passed the roll on to the women behind me.

After 15 minutes, I finally made it to the door but still had about six people in front of me. I looked in as a girl started yelling that one of the toilets was overflowing. She began dry heaving into her coat and I was out of there!

I will never go back to that event due to the bathroom situation.

I don't understand why the festival wouldn't have hired bathroom attendants? We have them at our local fair, which has way more people, and the bathrooms are more than acceptable.

Unless I am completely inebriated, I can not handle these situations.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Cock Block 6000

I have so much fun researching new things to blog about! This topic made me laugh and I might have vomited in my mouth a little too.

It seems that all of my friends are dating online and today one of them told me about this new guy they are talking too. The guy looks normal in his pictures but he has a weird kinkiness to him. He wants to put his cock in a modern day chastity belt. I didn't really know much about this so I googled it and was horrified to say the least. 

The model my friend's new guy prefers is silicone and gets locked with an actual padlock. It can be found on the cb-x.com website. I don't know how big his manhood is so I am not sure of the exact model number. These things are about $150 and you can get them in clear, camouflage, or even woodgrain. Another popular model from a different manufacturer is "The Grinder."

Photo from cb-x.com
I was concerned about the safety of these devices, especially when I read that some men wear them for extended periods of time. One man wore his for nine years! The only time they are let free is when their keeper releases them.

This particular model has a small hole to pee out of but according to some online reviews it is very messy. It splatters everywhere and some even gets trapped in this device. The mixture of urine and dick sweat will eventually condensate and the cb6000 turns into a terrarium. What if it grows mold (I am allergic to mold)? I don't think it would be sexy for the keeper to unleash all that nastiness.

Other bad consequences are ball chaffing, erectile dysfunction, infertility, and decreased penis size. Your dick can actually become inverted which is known as 'turtling.' If I was your penis I would want to go into hiding too.

Some men go as far as putting spikes in their chastity belts that jab into their penis if they do get hard.

It is all gross to me and I couldn't imagine making my husband wear these devices. Why would any man or woman want their partner to do this?

On a different note, some mothers put these cock blocks on their adolescent sons to prevent them from 'sinning.' I also find this disturbing. The poor boys will stunt the growth of their penises and will never be able to hold a normal relationship. If the mother doesn't want to lock her child into one of these horrifying products, she could choose the anti-masturbation cross instead. At least it is more hygienic. 

Photo from StopMasturbationNow.org

Friday, October 17, 2014

Ebola is now an STD

Did you know that Ebola can live in sperm for 90 days after the patient recovers? 
The virus is not spreadable until symptoms are present. I personally think sex would be the last thing on an infected persons mind if they are vomiting and have diarrhea. I also wouldn't want to have sex with someone if they were displaying those symptoms. 

So if you think you or your partner have Ebola, please refrain from sex! Even if you think your over it, hold off for a few months. 

The disease can also cause long term inflammation of the testicles. 

#ebola #std

Thursday, October 16, 2014

What is the deal?

I was dating this guy for about 2 months. He was so busy. And his career came first. He was 8 years younger than me but couldn't go to work from 10-6 and hang out afterwards. Even on a Friday night. I'm 48 and can get 6 or less hours of sleep, work 8 or more hours and go party all night with twenty something's.  His lack of energy wasn't bad enough. He had 1-2 breakdowns a week. Every time this man got deeper into me he pulled back like a turtle head going in a shell. I'd go to end it and he'd be on me like white on rice. He was like a boomerang. So this week I laid it out. And you know what the bitch did. Wanted to get together tonight and hang and "cuddle" as the bitch calls it. Usually comes over around 8:30. Well Ms Thing never showed up. And went on a date with someone else... 
All I got to say is good luck with that dude. You can have that mess!!!! 

PS - Laziest man in bed I ever met. Just liked that he put out. 

Killer Vaginas Are Holding Penises Captivus

WHAT???

This post was triggered by a Cosmopolitan article I read on Facebook about a couple in Italy that got stuck together while having sex. (All I could think while reading this was he must have been an Italian stallion). They were getting it on in the ocean and the waves suctioned them together. 
A beach walker was alerted to their struggle and took them to the emergency room (imagine having that in the backseat of your car). The doctor gave the woman a shot to dilate her vagina and they were good to go. 

I am not going to bitch about this never happening to me because it sounds embarrassing, but my curiosity made me investigate further...

According to the internet, this is a pretty rare thing to happen. Occurrences have been documented back to 1910, but since penis captivus normally lasts just a few minutes, I am sure most cases were never reported. 

So one might wonder, how exactly does this happen? Good question. Apparently, the woman orgasms so strong that her vagina clamps down on her partner's penis, holding it captive. Now I might start bitching. Why have I never had an orgasm that strong? 

Here comes my ADD...
My mother has no filter and I remember a story she told me when I was a kid about this happening to our family dogs. My parents caught them having sex and tried to separate them but couldn't. I think she told me it was because dog's penises have spikes on the end of them that prevents them from separating until they are finished their business. Maybe that story was to scare me from having sex, but now I know it was penis captivus. 


Image courtesy of http://www.ziaruldegarda.ro/88/



Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Caption this picture

I don't have anything to bitch about but I found this picture entertaining.

My caption is "vagina nuts." What's your caption?


Photo courtesy of girltomom.com

#vagina

Monday, October 13, 2014

The anonymous one

I am the aforementioned friend that must remain anonymous and that laughed at Kate's previous fashion blog. I really try my hardest not to be bitchy, but sometimes life calls for bitchiness and that is why I'm contributing to this blog (that and the fact that I walk around with 'resting bitch face' most of the day). I'll probably mainly be posting about my ridiculous dating adventures and the crazy men I encounter in those adventures. When I'm not bitching, I'm working and raising my cutie pie daughter so she can grow up and do some bitching of her own!

The Dreaded Close Talker


                      

I am not one for having to maintain my personal bubble, but the "close talkers" really bother me. Especially when they have bad breath, which seems to be a common trait of the close talker.

I don't really understand why people see a need to close talk. Do they think I can't hear them? Or maybe what they are telling me is a secret? I deserve something really juicy when someone moves into my space, but it rarely ever turns out that way. Usually, it's some boring rambling that I don't care about. I don't know if their stories are long or if they just seem to take forever. 

Once the close talker has me backed into the corner it's a tough situation to get out of. Combating the close talker is difficult.
Faking a cough or sneeze might work. Or if you can get a word in edgewise try to mention you are getting over a stomach virus. 


                                   



Leave advice or experiences you have had relating to the dreaded "close talkers" in the comments. 

#closetalker


Online Dating - UGH!

Really? Why is it that guys contact you and are all "Hello Handsome" all hot and heavy. Then when you settle in with them a while and text them they don't answer but their little green light is all lit up on line. Every site has a green light. If you don't wanna chat then don't. But don't give me that shit that you were busy working or your so sick you can't text. Who is ever so sick they can't text?????
If you needed an ambulance I'm sure your ass could text 911...

And Then There Was Three...

No, I am not the 30 something year old woman with a kid. They let me join as the third author to this blog... 
My name is Kurt and I am a 48 year old gay man. I am single and dating primarily on line, which is a scary thing on its own. I live in an area that is not very gay friendly which makes life more interesting and complicated. I am painfully honest and direct, overly communicative and often lack the use of my filters. Which usually makes my best friend say "EEEWWWW!"

Friday, October 10, 2014

Girl Problem: Why Can't You Just Tell Me What Your Problem is?

I hate when people (mostly girls) text you and say they need to talk. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

Why do you need to make everything so dramatic?

You were obviously able to text because you sent me a message that said we need to discuss whatever it was that I did to offend you. Why couldn't you just continue to text me the rest of the story? Do I really need to go to dinner with you or skip the gym to hear about how upset you are?

If you don't want your problems to be saved in my phone as evidence of your annoyingness, then call me. It's not like I am going to show your texts to anyone or publish them on my blog, (see below).


These are three different text conversations that really happened. Maybe it's a basic bitch thing. #basicbitch

                   

Kate

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Why Create Something B*tchy?

Something B*tchy was thought up at a bar that my friend and I are somewhat regulars at for lunch. I told her I was starting a blog and she asked if it was about "something bitchy" (hence the name). I proceeded to show her my beauty and fashion blog that I was working on and she laughed hysterically. I guess I don't have a knack for writing about beauty products and it really shows when my most recent post was titled, "What's On My Face." That is when we brainstormed all of the bitchy topics we wanted to talk about and decided we were really going to move forward with this.

My name is Kate, or Katherine. Actually, I will go by anything you call me but Kathy (I'm sure you will read a post about that down the road.) Katherine is my real name. My posts will be very ADD and to the point. I am 27, married, and I don't have any children.

My friend, who has yet to come up with a name, because she needs to remain anonymous, will also be posting on this blog.  I'm not sure how old she is (I think she is 30), she is single but dating (a lot), and has a daughter.

We hope you enjoy all of our bitchy posts; but most of all, it's a good way for us to vent!