Friday, March 27, 2015

The Curious Tale Of Shaquisha and the White Mouse

It's not surprising that bathroom etiquette is not part of Shaquisha's repertoire. Why would it be?

There is only four females at my office, and only Shaquisha and myself are capable of menstruating. That's how I solved the mystery of who attempted to flush a used tampon down the toilet. Not rocket science.

I politely texted the bitch, in hopes she would come take care of the issue...



I was shocked by her response. She didn't dispose of it all the way? What the fuck does that mean? Does she normally flush three times so it goes down?

Unfortunately, she didn't return and my poor office lady had to put on rubber gloves to yank it from the commode. 

I shouldn't have to explain to a thirty year old woman how to properly dispose of her feminine products. 

Furthermore, now she is pissed at me because she doesn't think I handled it appropriately. Ha! Next time I will call a plumber and give her the invoice! 

In the meantime, my office lady posted this friendly reminder...




Thursday, February 26, 2015

Avoid Second Hand Sex Toys

It should be of no surprise that second hand sex toys are nasty, but I couldn't find anything online warning you not to buy them. People are more concerned with the dangers of purchasing already worn lingerie and used DVD players.

It is not my imagination that perverts are reselling their blow up dolls and vibrators on eBay. If you don't believe me, investigate it yourself. Several websites exist for people to unload their disease ridden silicone.

To put you at ease, a doctor on thebody.com said, "Your fears about contracting HIV from your brand new Cyberskin Dream Dick are completely unwarranted." I guess that is a good thing, but I still wouldn't want to take that chance.

What's next? Will children be auctioning off a box of grandma's toys at her estate sale? These things need to go in the trash when the first user is done with them.

Many sites suggest boiling your sex toy to sterilize anything that may be lingering on it from
the previous owner. Gross! All I can imagine is it melting and turning into a deformed penis.

One blogger suggests thinking outside of the box (or should I say silicone) if you can't afford to buy new. "Please remember not to put anything in your butt that doesn’t have a three inch base on it. You don’t want the hospital visit where you explain the carrot in your anus, you just don’t. Produce is generally for vaginas." You can check out that article here.

Since the Surgeon General won't do it, I will. Here is your warning: DO NOT BUY USED SEX TOYS!

If all else fails; just think, they could have been used on this woman...

Photo from amadiex.wordpress.com

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

You bought what? Where?

A big box retailer is probably the last place you would think to shop when your loved one passes, but if you are in the market for a case of Doritos, and a camouflage coffin, look no farther. 

Here is a list of things you probably didn't know your favorite stores sell. 



1. Funeral Products at BJ's Wholesale Club 
Next time you are at BJ's wholesale club (I will save my comments on this store's name for another post), you can start your funeral planning. If you don't believe me, just go to bjs.com and click on the funeral link under the home section. 

BJs.com

Not sure which coffin to buy? Just check the reviews...

BJs.com
If you aren't a member at BJ's, don't worry. Costco and Walmart also offer coffins and urns on their websites.





2. Jewelry Worth More Than Your Car at Costco
Even if I was wearing this $93,999.99 pendant, I would be hesitant to tell people where my husband purchased it. I would especially be uneasy about the $50,000 + wedding sets available at this big box retailer. Can these necklaces be bought in bulk?

Costco.com





3. Prepare for the Apocalypse At Sam's Club
Maybe I will just feed my family this anyways. No grocery shopping for a year!

Samsclub.com





4. Pick Out Your Family Pet at Overstock.com
Overstock has your run of the mill pets like dogs, cats, reptiles, birds, and horses. You can also adopt pigs, rats, chickens, and other animals. I can't really bitch about this service because it is a great resource to connect people with shelter animals that need homes.






5. Say Yes To The Dress at Target
This I can bitch about. Why would you want to order your wedding dress from Target?
I understand that you can save money since they don't offer a dress over $150, but half the fun is being able to try on gowns. Ordering online takes away that experience. The dresses look cheap and have several bad reviews. I guess you get what you pay for.

Tevolio Women's Lace V-Neck Wedding Dress
Target.com




6. Get Your Gardening Growing with Walmart
I may be wrong but the last time I was at Walmart, the clientele didn't strike me as those in need of a $10,000 greenhouse. 

Walmart.com




7. Human Souls on eBay
Although eBay prohibits the sale of non physical items, for good reason, these clever and soon to be soulless creatures have found a way to bend the rules. If you win the bid, they will send you a piece of paper to document your purchase of their immortal essence. Souls are not big ticket items, and range in price from $0.99 to $20. 
Not interested in obtaining collateral for the devil? Maybe a fart sealed in a jar is more up your alley...

eBay.com












Monday, February 23, 2015

Google Searches February 2015

I've been so bored lately, which really means I should start working harder or blog more. Instead, I have just been complaining about it. One good thing about boredom is that is results in increased 'googling.' So here is what I have been searching for since January...

10: Marilyn Monroe Fat

9. How do I do the rape whistle?

8. How do you slow down life?

7. Do blackheads look like little hairs?

6. I want to go home

5. Katy Perry Sucks

4. What does balut taste like?

3. Extreme plastic surgery

2. Face exercises

1. Small Breasts Affluent Men

Friday, February 13, 2015

Yes, I Am Sharing Junk Mail With You

The following is actually copied and pasted from an email I received. You know, those junky
spam emails you usually delete.
I though this one was particularly clever, so I thought I would share...




As you look carefully at the situations depicted in each of the following photos, ask yourself,
"How in God’s name could they have possibly have gotten where they are?!"

 
 
 
 
 
 
 





















Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Long Lost Friends Should Stay Long Lost Friends

If you read my blog post, I Feel Sick, Homeless People, & Budweisers To-Go, you are probably aware that I lack compassion. It certainly isn't intentional, it just isn't part of my genetic makeup. With that being said, this is what happened to me Friday night...

A friend from middle school messaged me on Facebook to have drinks with her and her husband. I hadn't seen her in a while, and although going into it I knew it wasn't going to end well, I accepted. My husband and I got ready that night and hoped for the best. I actually got to wear my leopard leggings that have been sitting in my closet with the price tag on since I bought them last fall (because when can you actually wear leopard leggings.)

We walked in to the bar that we planned to meet at about five minutes late. They weren't there yet, and although it was packed, the crowd seemed very lame. I have been dieting since the holidays ended to get my bikini body back by May, and this diet includes not drinking. Immediately, I started sucking the alcohol down! Not that I needed a release from reality, or because I was in an uneasy situation. I just needed to spice things up. 

They walked in, and I must admit she looked great! I thought for a split second that maybe this would be better than I anticipated. That idea was quickly swept away.

[To simplify things, we will call this friend Barbara and her husband will be referred to as Bob. Lol, those seem like really old names for this couple but it was the first thing that came to mind.]

After the customary hug and, "You look great," the brazen comments began. Thankfully, I tackled each one with an equally offensive remark. She asked why I didn't have children yet and insinuated that my husband and I are having trouble conceiving (which is the farthest from the truth, we choose not to have babies yet.) She gossiped about a mutual friend of ours being pregnant, and this friend hasn't told anyone but her yet. One of Barbara's wisecracks about that was, "well [name omitted] doesn't use birth control because she is Catholic, ha, I guess she will start using it now." I almost kicked her in her vagina but I had my Stuart Weitzman boots on and they aren't easy to clean. 

Everything out of Barbara's mouth for the next hour was about her kids, which are "so wonderful." I leaned over to my husband who looked just as miserable and whispered, "I need another drink."

The hostess moved us from the bar to a table, where I was sat next to Barbara. This agitated me more, because everything she said was followed by a sharp slug to my upper arm. 

Bob and her dismissed themselves to smoke a cigarette giving my husband and I an opportunity to plan our exit strategy. We were there for only an hour and a half, and although I didn't want to appear rude, I wanted out of there. 

Their cigarette break seemed to last longer than most. Barbara finally returned and said seriously, "Bob will be awhile."

Confused, I questioned, "Is he sick?" Because why else would someone be awhile when you are out at a bar? I never expected the truth...

"No. Bob found a homeless man outside and the man told him he was hungry. The man asked us if this place was expensive and we told him it was, so Bob decided to walk him down to the pizza place and buy him something to eat."

That was very kind and I understand the importance of paying it forward, but the last time I was out with my real friends and a homeless woman approached us and said she was hungry, someone in my group handed her a breath mint. 

To sound normal, I told her that was a wonderful thing for him to do, trying to end the topic. 

But it didn't end. Barbara proceeded to preach to my husband and I about how we should be doing that too. As she got up to get another drink from the bar, she said, "We will all be the same in the end, won't we?"

Bob came back and they stood at the bar talking to another couple. So they were pushy, annoying, and now rude. We were done. My husband and I got up, thanked Bob for his kindness to humanity, got our coats, and left. 

I doubt Barbara will be messaging for drinks anytime soon.






Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Selfie Sticks Suck

I am definitely one of those annoying people who is always taking and posting selfies. It has become a way of life. Everything I do requires a picture, whether it be a new haircut or lipstick, or I am out at a trendy new restaurant. I even tried to convince JNoww to participate in a "belfwe" (a combination of a  'selfwe', which is a selfie of more than one person, and a 'belfie,' which is a selfie of one's butt) with me, but she refused.

With that being said, you may think I am being a hypocrite for putting down the 'selfie stick,' but I just don't get it?

I guess people are trying to avoid looking vain by holding their arm out and snapping a pic of themselves. To me the vanity is a part of it though. Can my message of self-importance really be conveyed by a stupid black stick with my phone attached to it?

The selfie stick takes the selfie to a whole other level, and it is not good. If you really wanted a picture without your arm extended in front of you, wouldn't you just ask some passerby-er to snap one for you? If I saw someone using one of these, I would think they lacked the confidence to talk to strangers.

Furthermore, everyone knows you are using the stupid thing because we see it in your hand.
photo from dailymail.co.uk

Also, how stupid do these people look carrying around these plastic sticks? At least you might be able to beat someone with it if they try to mug you!



Ryan Seacrest showed off his 'selfie stick' at the Golden Globes
Photo from metro.us